We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Still dying that you shit outside
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
