I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
