I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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