i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Randomize
