Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
