I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
