Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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