I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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