I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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