saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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