I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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