The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
