having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
