Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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