my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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