It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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