i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My dick has a subreddit
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
