nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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