I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
