Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
