Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
