Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
