I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
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