At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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