Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
