Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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