ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
