I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
