so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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