if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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