I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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