He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize
