Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
