No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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