So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
