i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
where am i from again
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
