Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
