Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
