The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
