All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
