I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
