Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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