Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
