I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
