A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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