I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
