He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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