Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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