ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
