I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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