In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
